Grace

Grace

grace

Sometimes I wander in that place where I feel completely and totally alone.  My pain is like a cancer that is eating me whole.  I cannot find the words to ask for help.  The smiling happy faces of those who praise Jesus for answering their prayers and helping them to win the head cheerleader position is salt in my open wounds.  I am not lifted or encouraged by their sharing.  Instead, I consider that I am that unworthy that my pain is not as important as someone else’s cheerleading.

I cry so hard sometimes I am afraid I will never be able to stop and when I do stop … exhausted and gulping for air in staccatoed gasps I am still alone and the silence is like a roar that never ends.  Does anyone love me?

I know these are my demons, gifts from a childhood where I was delivered into the hands of people who at best never wanted me and at worst … well, I leave those stories untold… Read more

When Tears Fall Without A Sound

When Tears Fall Without A Sound

the strongest

It has been a tough few weeks for me on many many levels.  I am taking time, paying attention, accepting that the problems are mine to deal with and that there is an opportunity here for growth.  Life has taught me a lot.  If I have wisdom it is not because it has been gifted to me because of some superior intelligence.  It was learned from the many mistakes I made, because I am  as flawed a human being as anyone else.

I am in the middle of having to deal with something that I can no longer ignore, probably the most painful thing I have or ever will have to deal with.  It is something I have to do alone and the weight of it is impacting me spiritually, emotionally and physically.  This is healing at its most difficult, but it is also about standing up and speaking the truth – no matter the cost. Read more