It has been a tough few weeks for me on many many levels. I am taking time, paying attention, accepting that the problems are mine to deal with and that there is an opportunity here for growth. Life has taught me a lot. If I have wisdom it is not because it has been gifted to me because of some superior intelligence. It was learned from the many mistakes I made, because I am as flawed a human being as anyone else.
I am in the middle of having to deal with something that I can no longer ignore, probably the most painful thing I have or ever will have to deal with. It is something I have to do alone and the weight of it is impacting me spiritually, emotionally and physically. This is healing at its most difficult, but it is also about standing up and speaking the truth – no matter the cost.
Life has thrown me a lot of curve balls. I am proud of my ability to survive. I know I am strong because I know I am capable of making through even the most difficult of circumstances. The strong ones in a family are usually the ones least worried about or they might be the person most picked on. Perhaps you could even suggest they are strong because they are/were picked on. Every family has roles that are fulfilled by its members and every family has the go to person that everyone leans on and expects to always be there. Every office has someone in that role, every group, every community … and the dynamics are the same. People are willing to lean on the strong, use their wisdom and their open arms, and move on. Those are the people that very few people ever notice or worry about or even check on. They are probably the loneliest people in the world.
I have felt incredibly lonely at times.
When people are hurting or need your strength, they seldom take time to know you, or to ask how you are doing. Sometimes I have felt completely invisible, even to my own family.
I take full responsibility for preferring a more solitary life and I freely admit I do not often ask for help. Perhaps when I do ask it seems such a big deal to me that I am overly sensitive to the fact that no-one seems to hear. Every once in awhile someone notices that I am struggling, and they take a moment to let me know they are here, to sit with me, to listen. Every so often someone will ask me how I am and actually wants to know the answer.
Most days I never even think about any of this. My life is busy and active and I feel so blessed to share other’s lives and see them move on stronger and happier. There is always someone else on the doorstep. I did not seek this life, it is just the way things have unfurled. I understand all of this on an intellectual level. But it doesn’t mean that there aren’t time when I feel, or when I need . . . Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the suffering of others, I cannot bear another thing.
People try to dictate what I should care about, who I should care about. It is beyond my control. My life just is and the people who are in it are those who are meant to be. I don’t look at people and see their past, or their mistakes. I don’t keep a tally list of positives and negatives. I only see people’s hearts and the beauty of who they are – no matter how much it is hidden beneath dirt or ugly experiences. My struggling now is not anyone’s fault but my own. This is not a blame post. I need to be stronger, and pace myself better, and take care of myself so I don’t overload.
And I need to make this journey now that has been one I have known my whole life I would have to make one day. It will take everything in me to finish this but I know it will be worth it. It is about breaking cycles and because of that I know it is not just about me. I think I had hoped that when the time came, I would have help. I have realized that I won’t. I am really the only one who can do it.
I don’t know what I would have done without my husband. He has taught me that a hug is healing, and that I can’t be alone because we are a team, and we will face everything together. He sees me. He knows me. He slays my dragons and demands that I not give into my fears or my failings.
I just want those people who actually have taken time to know me, to give as well as take . . . to know how much it means, even if it seems like the smallest of things … everyone needs something small, every once in a while.
And I ask for patience and understanding as I make this journey. If I have offended anyone or seem distant, know that it is not you. Some days I am lucky to put one foot in front of the other. This is a time for me that I must insist on …. I am the only one in charge of looking after me.